Last night the evening started off perfectly with my neighbors coming over for dinner. Daniel is away on business in Chicago and once or twice before we have got together for take-out pizza dinner. The neighbors bring it over and it is always a treat spending time with them.
After they left, I was clearing the dining room table and as is always the case when it happens, without knowing why, I fell. My falls always feel like they are happening in slow motion and this time was no different. The first thought that went through my head was, “DO NOT land on your shoulder – if you land on your shoulder again it is gonna wipe your shoulder out completely.” The only two things I can recall happening after that were grabbing the couch which pushed it further away from me because we have wooden floors and it slid; and then banging my head on the floor as I landed flat on my back. In all of my falls, I have never landed in this position and there isn’t a worse position for me to land in because when I am flat on my back it is VERY difficult for me to breathe. I have to really concentrate on not getting into a major panic as it truly feels like I am suffocating.
It took me a moment for my head to clear and with all the voice I could get out, I called for Ross. He responded with, “What do you need, Mom?” and when I said, “Help!” he came running down the passage. As he saw me he yelled, “Mama, how did this happen?” I told him I wasn’t sure but we need to get me up.
“What do you want me to do, Mommy?”
“Go downstairs and see if David is home.”
He flew down the stairs and was yelling for Dave but he wasn’t in the house. He came charging back up the stairs and called out to me asking what he should do now.
“Get the phone and phone Dave on his cell phone.”
“Dave, we have a problem. Mom has fallen, we need your help.”
I can’t adequately describe the relief I felt when I heard the garage door open almost immediately. Dave was here but outside. He and his friend Brian came charging up the stairs and the process of getting me up off the floor began.
I first asked him to just sit me up and sat for a few minutes getting my breath back. It is the feeling you experience when you jump up out of the water when swimming and you sort of run out of air. I was in a complete sweat by this time and it took just a couple of minutes to feel like I was breathing normally again.
The difficult part of lifting me up off the floor is that if you are not used to doing it, like Daniel is for example – you can really hurt yourself. I am not able to put any force or strength into lifting myself so I hang on the person like a dead weight. From the position I was in, he had to go down on his haunches, put his arms under mine, in a hugging position, and lift me up. This is tricky and I am always worried that both of us will fall. We worked out that it would be best for Brian to push a dining room chair in under me as soon as I was up rather than have Dave lift me off the floor straight up to a standing position.
While sitting I got Ross to get me a glass of sugar water. I didn’t know where my Rescue Remedy was and I am honestly not sure if the sugar water theory works, but I was raised on it and resort to it for fright when there is no Rescue Remedy on hand.
When I had got myself even more together, Dave then lifted me out of the chair and I started making my way to my bedroom. Ross insisted that I stop and not take another step until he was back and charged off down the hall in the direction of my bedroom. He came back with 6 pillows in his arms and laid them out in a straight line down the hall and said, “OK, NOW you can move.” I thanked him profusely and assured him I didn’t need a padded path. I thanked Dave and Brian and assured everyone I was OK.
A little while later Ross came to me and said that even though they are mostly for old people, I have to get myself a Life Alert. He also asked me what I would have done if David had not been here and if he was asleep. Both completely valid questions and I promised him I would look into getting a Life Alert connection.
When I woke up this morning to get Ross ready for camp I felt really achy. I have a really sore spot on the back of my head which made it uncomfortable for me to wear the mask for my breathing machine that I sleep with. It is exactly where the strap at the back of my head closes … would be, right? My right arm pit is aching and I just hope I haven’t buggered up my shoulder in any way. After he left, I went back to my chair and that is where I spent most of the day until Ross got home.
I’m not sure if it is delayed shock, but I have been bursting into little sobbing sessions on and off the whole day. I can’t stand it when I have these falls and it particularly freaks me out as to how this all impacts on Ross. He appears to cope really well and has now proven that he certainly knows how to keep his own peace. He keeps his head together and is more than capable of assisting me through an emergency. He told me that if this ever happens again he is dialing 911, telling them that his mother is disabled and has fallen and that she is on the floor … “And I need an ambulance NOW!” I told him that this would be the perfect thing to do.
During one of my little sobbing sessions this afternoon, I realized that there is an element of struggle for me in having to hand myself over to David. Our relationship does not involve any kind of closeness so having to surrender myself in this way to him is a tough call. In spite of this, he was compassionate, effective and obviously willing to do anything he could to assist me. If I don’t find the lessons in these events then I will never maintain any kind of peace with myself so in my ongoing quest to maintain my peace with my disability, I was reminded that when we do let go and relinquish control completely, that is when we are most in control. Somewhere inside of that there is strength to be found because trying to control someone or something else is a complete and total waste of time.
I find that when I go through one of these fall experiences and physically hurt myself, I feel like my soul distances itself from my body for a while. I need to just sit quietly and allow the one to find the other again. I know that in a day or two my peace will be restored.
After they left, I was clearing the dining room table and as is always the case when it happens, without knowing why, I fell. My falls always feel like they are happening in slow motion and this time was no different. The first thought that went through my head was, “DO NOT land on your shoulder – if you land on your shoulder again it is gonna wipe your shoulder out completely.” The only two things I can recall happening after that were grabbing the couch which pushed it further away from me because we have wooden floors and it slid; and then banging my head on the floor as I landed flat on my back. In all of my falls, I have never landed in this position and there isn’t a worse position for me to land in because when I am flat on my back it is VERY difficult for me to breathe. I have to really concentrate on not getting into a major panic as it truly feels like I am suffocating.
It took me a moment for my head to clear and with all the voice I could get out, I called for Ross. He responded with, “What do you need, Mom?” and when I said, “Help!” he came running down the passage. As he saw me he yelled, “Mama, how did this happen?” I told him I wasn’t sure but we need to get me up.
“What do you want me to do, Mommy?”
“Go downstairs and see if David is home.”
He flew down the stairs and was yelling for Dave but he wasn’t in the house. He came charging back up the stairs and called out to me asking what he should do now.
“Get the phone and phone Dave on his cell phone.”
“Dave, we have a problem. Mom has fallen, we need your help.”
I can’t adequately describe the relief I felt when I heard the garage door open almost immediately. Dave was here but outside. He and his friend Brian came charging up the stairs and the process of getting me up off the floor began.
I first asked him to just sit me up and sat for a few minutes getting my breath back. It is the feeling you experience when you jump up out of the water when swimming and you sort of run out of air. I was in a complete sweat by this time and it took just a couple of minutes to feel like I was breathing normally again.
The difficult part of lifting me up off the floor is that if you are not used to doing it, like Daniel is for example – you can really hurt yourself. I am not able to put any force or strength into lifting myself so I hang on the person like a dead weight. From the position I was in, he had to go down on his haunches, put his arms under mine, in a hugging position, and lift me up. This is tricky and I am always worried that both of us will fall. We worked out that it would be best for Brian to push a dining room chair in under me as soon as I was up rather than have Dave lift me off the floor straight up to a standing position.
While sitting I got Ross to get me a glass of sugar water. I didn’t know where my Rescue Remedy was and I am honestly not sure if the sugar water theory works, but I was raised on it and resort to it for fright when there is no Rescue Remedy on hand.
When I had got myself even more together, Dave then lifted me out of the chair and I started making my way to my bedroom. Ross insisted that I stop and not take another step until he was back and charged off down the hall in the direction of my bedroom. He came back with 6 pillows in his arms and laid them out in a straight line down the hall and said, “OK, NOW you can move.” I thanked him profusely and assured him I didn’t need a padded path. I thanked Dave and Brian and assured everyone I was OK.
A little while later Ross came to me and said that even though they are mostly for old people, I have to get myself a Life Alert. He also asked me what I would have done if David had not been here and if he was asleep. Both completely valid questions and I promised him I would look into getting a Life Alert connection.
When I woke up this morning to get Ross ready for camp I felt really achy. I have a really sore spot on the back of my head which made it uncomfortable for me to wear the mask for my breathing machine that I sleep with. It is exactly where the strap at the back of my head closes … would be, right? My right arm pit is aching and I just hope I haven’t buggered up my shoulder in any way. After he left, I went back to my chair and that is where I spent most of the day until Ross got home.
I’m not sure if it is delayed shock, but I have been bursting into little sobbing sessions on and off the whole day. I can’t stand it when I have these falls and it particularly freaks me out as to how this all impacts on Ross. He appears to cope really well and has now proven that he certainly knows how to keep his own peace. He keeps his head together and is more than capable of assisting me through an emergency. He told me that if this ever happens again he is dialing 911, telling them that his mother is disabled and has fallen and that she is on the floor … “And I need an ambulance NOW!” I told him that this would be the perfect thing to do.
During one of my little sobbing sessions this afternoon, I realized that there is an element of struggle for me in having to hand myself over to David. Our relationship does not involve any kind of closeness so having to surrender myself in this way to him is a tough call. In spite of this, he was compassionate, effective and obviously willing to do anything he could to assist me. If I don’t find the lessons in these events then I will never maintain any kind of peace with myself so in my ongoing quest to maintain my peace with my disability, I was reminded that when we do let go and relinquish control completely, that is when we are most in control. Somewhere inside of that there is strength to be found because trying to control someone or something else is a complete and total waste of time.
I find that when I go through one of these fall experiences and physically hurt myself, I feel like my soul distances itself from my body for a while. I need to just sit quietly and allow the one to find the other again. I know that in a day or two my peace will be restored.
3 comments:
Don't you bloody do that again! Dammit! (Thats just shock speaking, I am composing myself quickly)
I am so sorry you falled my freind. I wish I was there to just be with you. What a precios little blessing your Ross is - all big and everything, somma made me cry for like the 100th time today. I cry at the drop of a hat so it's nothing major when I say that. Happy is always telling me "Jou blaas sit agter jou oë - want jy pee deur hulle die hele tyd!!"
I am glad you are ok. I can't like it to hear about stuff like this and there is nothing I can do - talk about feeling helpless.
You're one helluva specail lady, you know. Love you lotsa lots!!! HUGS, KISSES, HUGS - Um, if I hug you too tight do battle to breathe then too..? hee, I must be careful - what with all my muscles and stuff that I am getting from lifting 1 lil kg - lol.
MUA!!!
Jussis broekstein! makes me think of the fireman rescue feature when u wuz here in the UK. What amazed me then and everytime since is your incredible ability to see the good in even the kakkest of situations... I salute your tenacity, your integrity and most of all your capacity for love at every level of your being.
You write so well.
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