I refuse to refer to myself as DISabled. DIS has many connotations to many people, but for the main part, in this context, it is just too restricting for my comfort. There are many things I can’t do the same way as a fully abled body can, but I make a plan to do them differently rather than just abstain. This would make me less-abled … right? DIS suggests DISconnect – and I don’t like the idea of being labeled in such a way that I am excluded. I am as much a part of this world designed primarily for fully abled bodies as the next person – it is really all about my own head space. So, I hereby stand up and declare – MY NAME IS DAWN, AND I AM A LESS ABLED PERSON!
I enjoyed several highlights this week due to it having been Daniel’s birthday. One particular one was my visit to the OBGYN, or Gynae (pronounced guy-knee by us South Africans).
I have decided to start posting things on this blog with this topic for no reason other than it ranks as one of the most amusingly irritating situations a less-abled woman might find herself in.
Since being diagnosed with Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy – I have developed an ability that could be featured on the Sci-Fi channel I have it so finely tuned. I can scan a room in under 5 seconds and identify the problem areas without having to try them out first. I can see from a distance if I can use a chair in the room or not. One thing is for sure, ironically, doctor’s consulting rooms are designed for fully abled bodies.
For this and the list of other obvious reasons, a visit to the OBGYN is nothing short of a nightmare. The stirrup bed is a particularly annoying piece of equipment for a person who can’t raise their legs more than a fraction of an inch off the ground. Not only are the stirrups out of my reach, but the bed itself is very high. One would think that if hairdressers have chairs that can be raised and lowered, so would a doctor – but most don’t.
Begin first trauma here. How the frigging hell am I gonna get myself up on that bed dressed in nothing but a paper robe and my socks. No, this was not my choice; this was on instruction from the nurse. The bed has a built in step but even that is too high for me.
Some years ago, Daniel came up with a brilliant idea of portable blocks. These blocks are (measurement) and I use them primarily to climb stairs. So, while I stood in my paper robe, Daniel charged out to the car to get the blocks. These made it a lot easier for me to get my butt on to the bed and then Daniel and the very helpful Doctor helped swing my legs up, over and into the stirrups. The entire right side of my body was hanging out of the robe and I was feeling just fabulous at this point in time.
Lying flat is a major challenge for me because it becomes almost impossible for me to breathe in this position. While the Doctor raised the back of the bed, I was working hard at not sliding off the front of the bed. Why they find it necessary to drape the bed in tissue paper I will never know. If it doesn’t end up in a ball going up your rear end, it does nothing except make a noise and turn the bed into a foofie slide.
In order for the Doctor to insert his fingers into the places he needs to get to, your rear end has to kind of extend just past the end of the bed. Being in an almost upright position, legs in mid air and tochas sort of hanging off the end of the bed, I realized that although my muscles seriously lack strength, I was tensing them in such a way that it felt like someone was twisting me from the top of my head to the tips of my stirruped, socked, clenched toes.
As I reminded myself that the Doctor was not paying attention to anything I was trying to hide, cover, keep on the bed or disguise, the next highlight of the visit occurred. “Hello Vagina!” says the spotlight that the Doctor shines between my legs. I couldn’t help wondering if it is really necessary for that light. While investigating the places where the sun doesn’t shine, the Doctor always looks up at the roof, every time, so what does he need the spotlight on the star for?
While pondering these mysteries, there was a moment where I felt like a breakthrough for women had been made. For those women who have not recently had a pap smear you have something to look forward to the next time you go. You know the freezing cold ice tong they insert to make way for the over long ear bud (Q-Tip) they smear you with, well sisters, they are now plastic! Hooray, no more freezing utensils in your vagina! I thought the nurse was going to do a happy dance as she pointed out the joys of the ice tongs now being disposable. Who can blame her for being thrilled about not having to handle and sterilize the freezing cold, used ice tongs?
Needless to say, I was more than thrilled when the consultation was over. As I climbed off the blocks and rolled the robe up to stuff it in the garbage, I said to Daniel that this whole system is completely insane. I think it is long overdue for someone to invent a pill that we swallow when we have decided we are done with having children. One simple pill that just shuts the system down and declares and end to pap smears and all related activities. All things considered, periods, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, ice tongs, pap smears - all this and THEN menopause – gimme a break, enough is enough.
I enjoyed several highlights this week due to it having been Daniel’s birthday. One particular one was my visit to the OBGYN, or Gynae (pronounced guy-knee by us South Africans).
I have decided to start posting things on this blog with this topic for no reason other than it ranks as one of the most amusingly irritating situations a less-abled woman might find herself in.
Since being diagnosed with Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy – I have developed an ability that could be featured on the Sci-Fi channel I have it so finely tuned. I can scan a room in under 5 seconds and identify the problem areas without having to try them out first. I can see from a distance if I can use a chair in the room or not. One thing is for sure, ironically, doctor’s consulting rooms are designed for fully abled bodies.
For this and the list of other obvious reasons, a visit to the OBGYN is nothing short of a nightmare. The stirrup bed is a particularly annoying piece of equipment for a person who can’t raise their legs more than a fraction of an inch off the ground. Not only are the stirrups out of my reach, but the bed itself is very high. One would think that if hairdressers have chairs that can be raised and lowered, so would a doctor – but most don’t.
Begin first trauma here. How the frigging hell am I gonna get myself up on that bed dressed in nothing but a paper robe and my socks. No, this was not my choice; this was on instruction from the nurse. The bed has a built in step but even that is too high for me.
Some years ago, Daniel came up with a brilliant idea of portable blocks. These blocks are (measurement) and I use them primarily to climb stairs. So, while I stood in my paper robe, Daniel charged out to the car to get the blocks. These made it a lot easier for me to get my butt on to the bed and then Daniel and the very helpful Doctor helped swing my legs up, over and into the stirrups. The entire right side of my body was hanging out of the robe and I was feeling just fabulous at this point in time.
Lying flat is a major challenge for me because it becomes almost impossible for me to breathe in this position. While the Doctor raised the back of the bed, I was working hard at not sliding off the front of the bed. Why they find it necessary to drape the bed in tissue paper I will never know. If it doesn’t end up in a ball going up your rear end, it does nothing except make a noise and turn the bed into a foofie slide.
In order for the Doctor to insert his fingers into the places he needs to get to, your rear end has to kind of extend just past the end of the bed. Being in an almost upright position, legs in mid air and tochas sort of hanging off the end of the bed, I realized that although my muscles seriously lack strength, I was tensing them in such a way that it felt like someone was twisting me from the top of my head to the tips of my stirruped, socked, clenched toes.
As I reminded myself that the Doctor was not paying attention to anything I was trying to hide, cover, keep on the bed or disguise, the next highlight of the visit occurred. “Hello Vagina!” says the spotlight that the Doctor shines between my legs. I couldn’t help wondering if it is really necessary for that light. While investigating the places where the sun doesn’t shine, the Doctor always looks up at the roof, every time, so what does he need the spotlight on the star for?
While pondering these mysteries, there was a moment where I felt like a breakthrough for women had been made. For those women who have not recently had a pap smear you have something to look forward to the next time you go. You know the freezing cold ice tong they insert to make way for the over long ear bud (Q-Tip) they smear you with, well sisters, they are now plastic! Hooray, no more freezing utensils in your vagina! I thought the nurse was going to do a happy dance as she pointed out the joys of the ice tongs now being disposable. Who can blame her for being thrilled about not having to handle and sterilize the freezing cold, used ice tongs?
Needless to say, I was more than thrilled when the consultation was over. As I climbed off the blocks and rolled the robe up to stuff it in the garbage, I said to Daniel that this whole system is completely insane. I think it is long overdue for someone to invent a pill that we swallow when we have decided we are done with having children. One simple pill that just shuts the system down and declares and end to pap smears and all related activities. All things considered, periods, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, ice tongs, pap smears - all this and THEN menopause – gimme a break, enough is enough.
2 comments:
Hello back atcha Oh Less abled obiwonkanobi! Personally..I think this story relates more to the less-ability of being 2 tikkies high to a grasshopper pal! Ur a short arse! THATS your problem here!! So in light of this point of view... I say " DOWN with Doctors beds!" "UP with plastic ice tongs!" and "Dont Dis the Less-abled!" (hows THAT for a bumber sticker chines?!?!?)
bumber??? aaahhhahaahahahahaaaaaaaa
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